My name is Jacob, and I am a procrastinator.

This sounds like an introduction to an AA meeting doesn’t it? To be frank, I feel as though there should be a support group for people like me. The feeling of denial was overwhelming. You find that you’re very productive at work or on other things in your life and all of a sudden, you’re not a procrastinator. You’ve shown yourself that since you can operate normally in one facet of your life, that’s proof that you don’t have a problem.

But then, you watch some Netflix over the weekend and feel a little guilty inside. You think of all the small projects that have been piling up and think to yourself, “It would be really easy to do them,” but you still don’t. Some people find solace saying “Time enjoyed is not time wasted,” but the truth is that’s a rationalization to make people feel better about themselves.

Even if you tell someone they’re a procrastinator (and they might even believe it), they can’t change that easily. For me, I had to be at a certain point in my life for it to really click. I spent the first 30 years of my life feeling as though I was preparing. Every action I took was to prepare for this eventual “something”. I was frugal. I didn’t buy expensive things and saved all my money. I got a masters degree and continue classes online via coursera. I thought, “There’s the current generation. The generation that’s doing the living, and I’m doing the preparing. It’s not my turn yet.” These are the people on TV. They’re the people that are running politics, the doctor’s, the construction workers; everyone but me.

Then I turned 31.

The one driving force of my life had been to prepare. I’d taken care of my loans, I had a good job. I have good close friends. I’d succeeded. I beat life. Yup. And then I thought to myself, “This is what life is? Am I living it right now? Am I the current generation?” I then felt immense regret. Had I wasted 30 years of my life? I realized that I had to stop worrying about something that wasn’t ever going to happen. I’ll never be “prepared”. There simply isn’t anything to prepare for. So, I started buying a few more things like clothes and being a little less frugal. I sipped some alcoholic beverages for the first time (although I still don’t drink). I smoked a cigar. I started taking trips to visit my brother to explore cities in the middle of nowhere.

But I was still not all the way there. I was still a slave to the concept that “Time enjoyed is time not wasted,” and there was no rush to do little projects that didn’t really necessarily need to be done. That’s when I happened upon an article about procrastination. Apparently it’s a well known article, but I will link it here: Part 1 and Part 2. I was on the spin machine when I read this. Then, I stopped spinning and read it again. I’d never done that before with any article on the Internet. I’ve since read it several more times. I realized that I have been fighting my own personal battle with the instant gratification monkey for the greater part of my whole life.

I am not going to be a slave anymore. It’s so much easier in this day and age to sit behind the TV and watch an endless swath of entertainment. This is not wrong, but I want to look myself in the mirror every day and accept myself for who I am without feeling guilty. When faced with a decision, I must focus on it and make it. Then act on it, or schedule it and act on it then. Life is too short to sit back and wait. I bought a large calendar from Target and started filling in the things that I’m going to do throughout the week. Accomplishing a lot of little things increases my self confidence and makes me want to do more. I’ve stuck with it for a couple weeks, and it feels great. I’m getting stuff done that I didn’t think I’d ever do, including writing this blog post (and hopefully more to come).

I am a procrastinator, but I am not a slave.