How do you know whether to take a certain action? If you’re anything like me, then you consider all the evidence and alternatives and then try to decide objectively. If you’re not like me, then you probably think about how you feel at the time and then choose the best feeling option. Unfortunately, neither of these methods are guaranteed to lead to the best decision, even in ideal circumstances. Human beings, it turns out, are a complex grouping of experiences and emotions.

A few years ago, I was engrossed in a certain project at work. Within the near future, I was to execute some presentation or deliver a work product. I can’t remember what exactly, but I was fairly anxious about it. Around the same time, I was getting ready to fly to Chicago. Now, I get very anxious about flying. I know that it’s something you have to do and I am not going to let my biology control me, so I’ve flown many times. What I noticed this time, however, was that I had a very difficult time determining if my anxiety was from flying or whether it was from my work project. How much of my anxiety was because of one thing versus the other?

This got me thinking: If I’m happy about multiple things in my life, which one is making me happier? If I am sad or depressed about two things in my life, which one am I most depressed about? What if I’m both happy and sad at the same time? When you have a lot of things going on in your life, all the feelings mix together and it becomes very difficult to separate them. I call this the Bag of Emotions. When we’re under its spell, it becomes very difficult to make objective decisions due to the way our brains work.

You know that feeling when you are considering something and you just decide to “sleep on it”? Usually a short time later, when you aren’t even thinking about it, you have an “Ah hah!” moment and all of the sudden the chips fall into place and you know the solution. Our brains work very similar to something called a Bayesian Belief Network, which is a data science concept. It is (roughly) a graph of all our possible choices and the chance we will take that action at any given time based on our past experiences. Every time we learn additional information, it changes the likelihoods and we come to different conclusions. This network is analogous to the subconscious.

When we are in an ideal emotional state, this network can work fairly well. When we are under extreme stress or pain, however, we often find ourselves under the throes of the bag of emotions. This makes it very difficult to know whether you truly want something or not. It makes you miss obvious signs that you otherwise would have noticed if you were thinking objectively. It also modifies your belief network to make certain less rational possibilities seem more probable.

This is why it is very dangerous for us to make certain life changing decisions when your network isn’t operating effectively. This might lead to choices that you will otherwise regret later in life. For instance, when something bad happens at work, you might think you need to change jobs to escape the pain. This action could potentially jeopardize your career. Another obvious example has to do with relationships and forming emotional bonds. If you just changed jobs and are dealing with other life pressures, how can you effectively decide if you like him? Sometimes, however, it is imperative to act. If you don’t take the risk, you might end up losing out on something that could have been the best decision of your life. How then do you make that choice effectively?

This is why it is extremely important to be able to take criticism and advice from people (such as close friends) that you trust. Their belief networks are not experiencing the same emotional chaos that yours is, and they have an objective viewpoint into your life because they can see how your actions are different from how they were before. They also know you very well, so they know what’s important to you, and they can help you figure out what you really want when you are not in the right state of mind to make the decision yourself. We are truly social beings, and we operate most effectively when we soak in the input from those around us. This only works, however, if you are comfortable with yourself and hearing things that you don’t necessarily agree with. Just because you listen to someone doesn’t mean you have to do what they say, but remaining ignorant only eliminates some of the potential information you could use to make the decision, and you want to make the best decision possible, right?

I read an article the other day about emotional maturity. It outlined nine characteristics that show you are emotionally mature. Even though I’m not perfect, I try to make these a part of myself every day. How many of these are part of your character?

1. You notice and verbalize (with composure) when you’re wrong.
2. You’re aware of your biases.
3. You acknowledge your privilege and use it wisely.
4. You’ve created a space between feeling and reacting.
5. You knowingly allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow difficult feelings in.
6. You’re compassionate to yourself and others.
7. You know when, who, and how to ask for help.
8. You know when to quit and when to persevere.
9. You’ve realized the more you know, the less you know, and you’re OK with it.